This week brought back so many flashbacks of my deepest heartaches two years ago. These were times I didn't feel like I was enough for God, for my family, for someone I wanted to be with... and not even enough for myself. The vivid details of those days came back in full, and I'm left wondering if the same exact things that caused that heartache were happening yet again now in these days.
That's what makes this all tough. I'm not sure what exactly is happening. I'm left in all this confusion and ambiguous words and vague actions and blurry circumstances and I'm struggling to make sense of anything. These days might be the calm before the storm -- the days before a fresh, new heartache.
But someday all of it will make sense and there will be clarification -- I'm just not quite sure if I'm prepared. And it'll either bring much happiness, or tear me down completely. It scares me not knowing which it might be. So I'm here twiddling fingers, biting nails, pacing the floor, stressing myself about what I can possibly do to avoid this ending badly, like before. I try blueprinting plans for my desires to fall through. After all, there has to be something that can be done to control this, right? I can take control of this. I mean, if I don't, then it'll all fall apart. It's all up to me.
...Right?
And this is where my conviction runs rampant and I'm brought back down to earth. I'm fidgeting to take control because I'm failing to surrender this to Him; I'm not acknowledging that my loving Father is in control. I'm stressing because I'm not remembering that His plan is for my good. I'm letting this consume me because this is where I put my heart, where I left my affections. I gripped onto this so tightly that my own nails pierced my hands, and I should've left them open. I allowed for this desire to be above God Himself.
Maybe I was never excited for God's plan for my life -- perhaps I was merely excited for my desires and my plan that I seemed to have demanded God to grant to me. But what right does a sinner like me have to demand Him of anything?
I need to go back to actively trusting Him. I need to go back to the days when I'd desperately reach out for Him in the good and bad, and all the moments in between. I need to reclaim my worth and value in Him, rather than trying to find my worth in another who can disappoint me. I need to lean on all of His promises again. I need my hands, heart, eyes and mind open to just what He wants for me. If the desire of my heart is not what God has planned for me, may He take this from me. If it is, may I never stop placing God above and in the center of it all. Whichever it is, I trust Him that it's for my good.
May You and You alone be my ultimate desire above all else.