For the past couple of years, October has, for me, symbolized a point where many things in my life went downhill. It's a month where I began to experience true heartbreak and disappointment, which led to vulnerability, which led to getting myself into something I knew God didn't want for my life. October is where it all began.
But recently I've realized that all the amazing lessons I've learned from that heartbreak, vulnerability, and disobedience far outweighs the mere fact that those things happened. When I look back at my life two years ago, wounds no longer open up again and again and again. Rather, I look back and am assured that I've conquered it all with Christ.
Through that hard time of a heartbreak, I've ultimately learned by experience what it means to love a person like Jesus did -- in a selfless and sacrificial way. It was no longer about what I could get from a person, but about what I can do to help and serve them despite what was felt. I knew the good of the other person's heart, mind and soul was far more important than my desires; I put myself aside to serve this person as a brother rather than treat him as a potential lover. At that point, it was about wanting a person to find fullest joy in Him, no matter what that might mean. But despite all that, I was still left vulnerable.
Through that vulnerability, I was able to put to surface my insecurities to Him. I was able to cry out to Him to help and heal my heart. And I know He heard; He responded, but not so much in the way I would have hoped for. He placed me and allowed me to be in my absolute lowest point for the following year and a half where I'd disobedient. And so at 18, I merely asked to feel love from God, but God went above and beyond what I thought I needed. So at 20, in one of the hardest ways, not only did I learn that I am loved by Him, but that I am so loved by those around me, also. But, there's more -- in the midst of that, I learned the hard way how to be radically obedient, to radically trust God with my life and decisions, to place Him at the center of all that I do, to love Him for how He loves me, and so, so much more. And I found all this was for my good, and for the good of so many people around me.
So I look back on October, and I'm no longer reminded of that downhill so much as I am of the scenic uphill that followed and led to this beautiful and glorious view. I'm now breathing fresher air. I'm now more in awe of my Creator. I can look across from me at the beauty of His creations and know that I, too, am His masterpiece. God seems to always go above and beyond my expectations as my counselor, my guide, my Savior, my provider, my Lord. I look back on October and it'll remind me forever of how God has intricately and creatively grown me to bring me to a beautiful time like July 2015 and onwards. Now I know that the next downhill that comes along (and boy, do I know there will be one again), I'll be able to trust more that God's just working on me, and the up will come again.